She

She

She has lured me, with lust and with love.

Celebrated my ego with pomp and with pus.

In success, in failure, in pain and in pleasure

She

has been.

I’ve followed her, enthralled and listless,

unable to resist the seductress,

limply following her command,

and she has told me her dreams

and she has ripped my clothes to their seams

fondled my patience

and left it wanting,

and left me haunting

her.

She.

She’s enlisted my fears,

as torment.

She’s sung her hopes over me.

She’s caressed my temples with memories,

though forlorn,

her happiness has guided me

through many seasons of melancholy.

She.

I’ve wanted her,

and she’s run.

I’ve forgotten her,

and she’s come.

She’s laid against my soul,

in etchings and words,

that I’ve found in her world,

this lovely, lonely girl.

She.

– janberry © 10 Nov 2017. 3.13am.

 

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Alone

Alone

“You’ll die alone.”
“You can’t just walk away like that.”
“You can’t do it on your own.”
“You do everything by yourself.”
“You don’t stick it out.”
“You decided, on your own, that this relationship was over. No consultation?”

At my worst, these are the things people say of me. I usually don’t want to show up with my heart open to yet another relationship, and have to wait for them to get to where I was the moment I showed up.

I’d reason, If you really wanted me around, then when I drift away, you’d reach for me. You wouldn’t let me go. You wouldn’t LET me go. You wouldn’t let ME go. You wouldn’t let me GO.

I’d probably lose interest in objectifying you at some point. And see all the reasons why you’re the one pushing me away. Maybe this is all the power I never had. To believe that I’m just useful to you..that everything is perfunctory..that there is no sentiment you bear for me. When I’m no longer useful, you will no longer be vulnerable, because that has expired. I have the power to be suspicious of you when I want to, turning your motives on and off.

When it’s time for me to run away and hide, you’re cold (switch). When it’s time for me to come out and talk, you’re hot (switch). I never had this power with my mother. She was always cold, and I was born hot. So, I had to feign coldness and shelve my thoughts behind the interrogations that our conversations were. This chapter was resignation. Accepting the fact that my inner self was not welcome here. There was always so much going on…the message: “too much.”

I bring an entire childhood to the table. You’re not just dealing with how I feel, you’re dealing with how I felt. Rejected. T says I’m normal, and of course I don’t believe her. What could be normal about feeling like my vulnerability, my feelings are an intense and overbearing burden to everyone? So, instead, I either share too much or too little, until the trickle dries up completely and you’ve been rejected, before you could reject me..because that’s where you’re going with this, not so? I never want anyone to see me like ‘this’..spiraling outward in the cold air of their warm embrace.

I’ve only gotten more mysterious about it, but it’s really the same dismissal, over and over. I reject you. Is what I sense real at all, or is it just retched pain? Vomiting Janessa at 4, at 6, at 8, at 12…

I feel it’d be noble of me to accept that she was right when she said that “I’ll die alone.” Isn’t that why I’m in the sick house? How could she bring up the very source of my pain as a parting gift? Except, I don’t believe her, and I’m leaving. It’ll be easier for us both if we don’t speak. The words in between are too painful, and you’ll reject mine and reject me..anyway.

I can’t blame it all on myself. The pain… the pain is to blame too. It’s done to me what I repeatedly do to you. This is all the power I never had. I’ll switch off before you grow cold, imagining that it doesn’t make a difference either way, whether I’m here or not. I’m neither warm nor cold. I’m just indifferent.

Janessa ‘Janberry’ Mc Kell. © 10 Oct 2017. 12.19am.

Point of Return

Point of Return
Feels foolish, yea…and then you say, nothing tried, nothing gained. You can learn about yourself and others by venturing… adventuring.
If you don’t go bravely, you would remain naive, about your own reflection.
Be courageous, and you’d see your desire. You’d own it, and admit your needs. In that light, you can make a decision. Run or stay, but see it all in the light of truth. The fear of possibility is the same as the despair of impossibility. It all begins at the point of return.
– janberry. 30 aug 2017. 10.43pm.

growing pain

growing pain

Only now growing up socially…

worse things have happened.

failing forward. inertia dragging my emotions along.
age means nothing anymore,
and I have to accept that,
painful like teeth emerging.
Tooth fairy, spare me a dollar nah?
I’ll pay it back, just let me move forward painlessly.
harder on myself than anyone will ever be,
even still, the warrior way is not…painlessly.

– janberry. © 29 mar 2017. 12.16pm.

Social? Media

A few days ago I closed all my social media – Facebook and then Instagram and lastly Twitter.

I found two things to be true for me:

Social media had become an extension of my pride..my ego..a need to control the narrative surrounding who I am…thereby making me feel good, feel proud.

I could succeed at social media but still fail at social interaction, and social interaction is something that I will always need to apply extra effort to. I’ve seen time and time again how social media and social interaction are not the same.

Growing up the way I did, it’s imperative that I get better at social interaction. It’s way too easy for me to revert to my comfort zone…being alone with a book or a paper and pen..and just not talk for weeks, months, years..

I came off social media so I could focus on actually increasing my social skills. That might be the height of irony.

Self-discipline: a learned behavior

Self-discipline: a learned behavior
At the end of 2012, I determined to bring myself up to a level of excellence in life that I knew would require discipline. The encouragement came at the time from the Christian bible. In it, the author Paul had written, “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training…Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air.”

You see, I’d been average my whole life. I’m naturally gifted and it seems everything I put my hand to, I have some measure of aptitude for it..this made me indisciplined and lazy. I’d coasted through most things giving only half of my effort. I’d even had teachers at high school commenting that very thing..”If only Janessa would make an effort, she would excel”. Well there came a time when I saw that for myself…and as I like to say, ‘What is seen cannot be unseen’. When you see that a change must be made, change and let growth happen. I determined to utilize the discipline of athletics to conquer my self and my self-sabotaging attitudes. I had no idea where the journey would take me but I was determined to press forward regardless of any obstacles.

I started off with no dietary changes and working out only five (5) minutes a day…that was all I could muster at high intensity. I didn’t try to build Rome in one day. I started very small. For an entire year, I made no dietary changes except for one – attempting to drink more water..incrementally drinking more and more water per month, per week and then per day as my trips to the bathroom became less of a bother. I did however work my way up to 30-45 minutes of high intensity interval training daily sessions during this year. I eventually bought a road bike and began cycling.

It was only at the end of the first quarter of 2014 that I began making dietary changes. I began preparing my own meals instead of buying food, learning how to make healthy home cooked meals by reading and experimenting. This began saving me quite a bit of money, which I invested into my training. I began running and bought gear consistent with running, including running shoes and a GPS watch. I ran my first half-marathon that year. I hope you’re noticing thus far that disciplined and healthy choices in one area of your life flow into other areas of your life. My brain became less foggy and I found myself being able to concentrate better for longer periods. I also made tremendous leaps in my self-confidence, not only because of physique changes but because I began to feel like I was in control of my body instead of my body being in control of me.

At the point at which I began cooking my own meals weekly and packaging them for the week, I dropped a few quick pounds. A co-worker at the time said she felt like I had dropped weight almost instantly. What she was witnessing was the difference dietary changes make. Exercise is great but what we eat will always be the difference-maker in our physique and health. By this time it was easy to continue making dietary changes because I’d made a habit out of cooking my own meals/snacks and walking with them wherever I went to avoid buying junk food. I’d also already made a habit of working out regularly – I didn’t have to think about it, I’d already re-wired myself.

You see..”despite what many may think, self discipline is a learned behavior.” This has to be my favorite line in this article: Proven Methods For Gaining Self Discipline – Forbes.

This is a misconception that I hear all the time from people who aim to live healthier lives. “Oh my gosh, but…the discipline!” We aren’t born with self-discipline but we can learn it.

The second misconception I hear all the time pertains to cheating and the guilt attached to it which can derail the course altogether. At one point in time, I would have had ‘cheat days’; it is something very popular in bodybuilding communities. Even then I tried to sustain within myself the discipline to cheat only on my cheat days. By consistently making small and progressively impactful choices that were difficult, I’d learnt that cheating affects none other than yourself. Through successes AND failures, I learnt that when you cheat, you reap disharmony and unhappiness. The ability to make positive choices make you a happier person with a less complicated life. Indulging yourself without self-control reaps destruction.

Becoming disciplined has helped me immeasurably. I now actively believe that I can achieve ANYTHING that I put my mind to because I’ve learnt how to diligently attack a goal: step by step, with consistent and disciplined effort. There are no shortcuts beside this…no fast-tracks, no diets and no super-pills..sorry.

I do like the fact that I can help people attain a better quality of life by being an example for it, though it’s always going to be a work in progress. I hope that the one thing you take away from this article is that discipline is a learned behaviour. I also secretly hope that you’ll notice that a three year journey has been described. It continues. You can do it too…start now and just keep going. Don’t stop, don’t ever stop.

Photo credit: http://zerosophy.com/self-discipline-is-a-key-to-many-doors/