Being a superhero is hard, especially when you’re not superhuman. You have no special abilities and there are no powers you can conjure to make time go back or speed up..make bullets stop or slow down.
In a life committed to shedding the weight that keeps me from being myself..that keeps me from being me, often I must start over with fresh eyes..fresh insight..
A few years ago I discovered that I have a cape. I pull it out for damsels in distress..men never evoke this response in me but some women do. Most times it is women who perhaps I see a lot of myself in and want to rescue them..in a distorted reverse of emotion. I was never ‘rescued’ from the pains and traumas I experienced in my life..I just grew older. And perhaps the cape comes out when those ’emergency’ sirens go off in my head.
I perceive these women only as needing help and neglect to see that their own pains block them from giving me what I need so it becomes a feeding frenzy. It turns into unrequited love, which turns into depression because once again I am reminded of the wall between the one person I wanted more than anything to love me back in a way I could feel..my mother, who has now passed on.
So I create my own monstrous circumstances because my perception causes me to act as a defense, a measure of stability and a rescue when it is not my position. No-one can do this for another person but God…and when I am no longer ‘needed’, because I have positioned myself to only be ‘needed’, not ‘loved’ and ‘appreciated’, the relationship runs it’s course and crumbles miserably.
The sad thing about really living life well is that growth and freedom is a double edged sword.
It is impossible not to inflict pain on others. It can however be a stepping stone to growing so that you do not repeat the same mistakes again and again. Finding people who will patiently and lovingly bear with you and with themselves as we unwrap the layers of hurt from our lives and eyes that cause us to act in hurtful ways is the crux of healthy living.
This is where the double edged sword becomes most inflicting…in order to grow in relationship issues, one must relate. Vulnerability is absolutely necessary but it is this very vulnerability that uncovers the issues that cause pain to others and that have pained you. Most times you don’t know the issue until it pops up out of it’s hiding place. And even when you know there is something there, you need vulnerable friends who will not be so offended by the pains you inadvertently cause them but continue loving you through it, and sharing with you what they see but sticking by you to get better in weak areas.
Finding those type of friends is absolutely vital, and the first flag that you have not found a trusted friend is that they will not allow themselves to be vulnerable with you. How can they then be patient with your vulnerability and shortcomings if they are unwilling to let their own walls down?
This is hopefully the beginning of a chapter in a book I am writing called, ‘The Inside Story’ discussing the things people hardly reveal about their hearts.
To give more context to this particular issue, let me share a poem I wrote in 2011 when I first discovered my ‘superhero-ism’…
I need you
So, the heart says one thing
the mind another
cups of coffee dissolve the tension in my bowels
my gut solvent, thinking of the possibilities
human interaction is hard
to get right
makes for curiosity and anger
crossing lines of wisdom
saying too much
or saying too little
feels like my family
when is the time to tell them
how they’ve hurt me
or talk about how i’ve hurt them
the truth is
my passion is for people
regardless of their hurts
I’m so weak in the face of this
how can I be more
so that they can be less
reminds me of my family
i have to say so much for them to understand
its never enough..still
its still too little
that i give up when it hurts
chike says that too
that i give up
that i shut down
what does he know anyway?
i actually rethought it
just letting go of all my hangups
about you, about my family
about chike, about myself
forgetting what i think
what i feel
and just enjoying the moment
but how does one do that exactly…
i think, i rethink..i plan..i shuffle
and it doesn’t quite look like that all the time
that you’re not the only one hurting
i need you too
sometimes you think you
have things all figured out
and then your supergear tears
you lose your cape…
and you’re left realizing you’re as vulnerable
as the victims of your perspective
i need you too
i need you
i wish i could see that more
and think of it