Alone

Alone

“You’ll die alone.”
“You can’t just walk away like that.”
“You can’t do it on your own.”
“You do everything by yourself.”
“You don’t stick it out.”
“You decided, on your own, that this relationship was over. No consultation?”

At my worst, these are the things people say of me. I usually don’t want to show up with my heart open to yet another relationship, and have to wait for them to get to where I was the moment I showed up.

I’d reason, If you really wanted me around, then when I drift away, you’d reach for me. You wouldn’t let me go. You wouldn’t LET me go. You wouldn’t let ME go. You wouldn’t let me GO.

I’d probably lose interest in objectifying you at some point. And see all the reasons why you’re the one pushing me away. Maybe this is all the power I never had. To believe that I’m just useful to you..that everything is perfunctory..that there is no sentiment you bear for me. When I’m no longer useful, you will no longer be vulnerable, because that has expired. I have the power to be suspicious of you when I want to, turning your motives on and off.

When it’s time for me to run away and hide, you’re cold (switch). When it’s time for me to come out and talk, you’re hot (switch). I never had this power with my mother. She was always cold, and I was born hot. So, I had to feign coldness and shelve my thoughts behind the interrogations that our conversations were. This chapter was resignation. Accepting the fact that my inner self was not welcome here. There was always so much going on…the message: “too much.”

I bring an entire childhood to the table. You’re not just dealing with how I feel, you’re dealing with how I felt. Rejected. T says I’m normal, and of course I don’t believe her. What could be normal about feeling like my vulnerability, my feelings are an intense and overbearing burden to everyone? So, instead, I either share too much or too little, until the trickle dries up completely and you’ve been rejected, before you could reject me..because that’s where you’re going with this, not so? I never want anyone to see me like ‘this’..spiraling outward in the cold air of their warm embrace.

I’ve only gotten more mysterious about it, but it’s really the same dismissal, over and over. I reject you. Is what I sense real at all, or is it just retched pain? Vomiting Janessa at 4, at 6, at 8, at 12…

I feel it’d be noble of me to accept that she was right when she said that “I’ll die alone.” Isn’t that why I’m in the sick house? How could she bring up the very source of my pain as a parting gift? Except, I don’t believe her, and I’m leaving. It’ll be easier for us both if we don’t speak. The words in between are too painful, and you’ll reject mine and reject me..anyway.

I can’t blame it all on myself. The pain… the pain is to blame too. It’s done to me what I repeatedly do to you. This is all the power I never had. I’ll switch off before you grow cold, imagining that it doesn’t make a difference either way, whether I’m here or not. I’m neither warm nor cold. I’m just indifferent.

Janessa ‘Janberry’ Mc Kell. © 10 Oct 2017. 12.19am.

Advertisements

Point of Return

Point of Return
Feels foolish, yea…and then you say, nothing tried, nothing gained. You can learn about yourself and others by venturing… adventuring.
If you don’t go bravely, you would remain naive, about your own reflection.
Be courageous, and you’d see your desire. You’d own it, and admit your needs. In that light, you can make a decision. Run or stay, but see it all in the light of truth. The fear of possibility is the same as the despair of impossibility. It all begins at the point of return.
– janberry. 30 aug 2017. 10.43pm.

growing pain

growing pain

Only now growing up socially…

worse things have happened.

failing forward. inertia dragging my emotions along.
age means nothing anymore,
and I have to accept that,
painful like teeth emerging.
Tooth fairy, spare me a dollar nah?
I’ll pay it back, just let me move forward painlessly.
harder on myself than anyone will ever be,
even still, the warrior way is not…painlessly.

– janberry. © 29 mar 2017. 12.16pm.

Far from finished

Far from finished

Far from Finished by Voice revealed our innately progressive nature, always yearning and stretching toward a better self. Trinbagonian optimism overrides our toughest circumstances, and Full Extreme from Ultimate Rejects captured this unflinchingly. The truest songs always resonate the most.

When 3 Canal’s, Blue, was first released, I was still cloistral; living aside from my queerness and love for women. In the video for Blue, I saw in the gyrations, a liberation and celebration that made me ask my teenaged self, ‘When will I ever be blue?’

I fought myself for 20 years and my self won. I am blue this year, blue with liberation, blue with celebration, blue with self knowledge, blue with empowerment, blue with gratitude…20 years later. How magical! Time is writing me an awesomely #blue story.

“So run tell Iwer George and Blaxx that they cyah take meh title..dis year, I’s meh only rival..” – Voice, Far From Finished

I am my only rival and I’m far from finished. – Janberry

Social? Media

A few days ago I closed all my social media – Facebook and then Instagram and lastly Twitter.

I found two things to be true for me:

Social media had become an extension of my pride..my ego..a need to control the narrative surrounding who I am…thereby making me feel good, feel proud.

I could succeed at social media but still fail at social interaction, and social interaction is something that I will always need to apply extra effort to. I’ve seen time and time again how social media and social interaction are not the same.

Growing up the way I did, it’s imperative that I get better at social interaction. It’s way too easy for me to revert to my comfort zone…being alone with a book or a paper and pen..and just not talk for weeks, months, years..

I came off social media so I could focus on actually increasing my social skills. That might be the height of irony.

Love these Walls Down

Love These Walls Down – released © 2015. Janberry.

A love anthem, of loss and love and recovery – much like the tales of spiritual search, great love is hard fought for but well worth it.

I decided to finally release this because there is a lot more music to come, so I’m flushing the archives. This is the first track on my sophomore album, which will be a dub album.

Dub Track produced/mastered by Mark ‘Jah Servant’ Giles
Composition/Vocals: Janessa ‘Janberry’ Mc Kell