Perfectly Imperfect

Perfectly Imperfect

I have spent a long time deliberately working through issues – plowing through them, sifting through them to uncover myself in the muck and mire of pain. In my first book’s cover, an image of me was propelling into the sky, slightly disentangled from a gooey and dark substance. I’d believed at the time, that the dark and gooey substance was so enmeshed in me that the only way to expunge it and free myself was through constant affirmation of the truth that I was essentially indistinguishable without it, unless I was re-made. So, my journey throughout Godcall was borne of renewal…and transformation.

I’ve come back to that dark and gooey substance only to see that I am indistinguishable from it, but also that spirit and flesh form me in the body of this old soul.

Some people say I talk in tongues…I often submerge my words under a sea of metaphor, to soften the blow of truth. Life is a deep thing – and I dive deep. Of course, I can tell you what I see under there but you will feel like it bore fangs and were devoid of light…unless you yourself have delved there – exposed yourself to yourself and confronted the realities of who you are without religion, without shame, without companion, without narratives, and looked at those demons. Scare them by your courage – they sit in the pit of your pain and fear gorging on your denial.

We are false and true, perfectly imperfect. There are things we know, and there are things we don’t know. I think the problem with humanity is that we loftily declare knowing. This is not relativism or existentialism (and if you’re wondering what that means, dictionaries are only a Google away). This is reality.

I’m precociously aware of the God who created everything I see. There are parts of me that I tried to separate and bury, so that a new self may emerge – and a new self DID emerge – one that grows bolder and bolder to delve beneath the surface until my self comes out victorious. I’ve become more of myself and to be fair to my self, I have to defend this self, so you may find that I am more able to, with clarity, tell you when you have stepped on that self…when you have stepped on my toes in your own attempts at self-exhortation.

You will find that I am bolder, and you may interpret it as confrontational. Don’t.

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Year 11 begins..

Year 11 begins – In my last post, I wrote “Ten years ago, I said yes to my friend and journey mate, Yeshua. I didn’t know then that I would be saying NO to myself. It makes sense though right, saying YES to one thing means simultaneously saying NO to something else.” This is no longer true for me..that a yes to the One equates to a No to the other…

To be continued.

Ten years and still

I never mourned her and I don’t know why am mourning her now. Since 2016 started or rather is it since 2015 ended, I’ve had multiple epiphanies and maybe this is the result of one of them. I’m approaching 10 years of celibacy in a few weeks. Funny…the milestone didn’t open the door to these thoughts. Rather, because of my thoughts lately, I realise that it’s been 10 years – 10 long years since I’ve consummated love or climaxed with anyone, well beside myself, on occasion.

And I never mourned her, I guess because it’s taken me some more end-of-year reflection to realise that I’ve been tucking away my suffering – confining it and boxing it in so that it doesn’t spill over into everything…everywhere. Ten years…and I’ve come full circle. I realise that of all the little issues surrounding my gender and sexuality that I’ve gotten reprieve from, my feelings toward women linger – unchanged after all of these years.

Ten years ago, I said yes to my friend and journey mate, Yeshua. I didn’t know then that I would be saying NO to myself. It makes sense though right, saying YES to one thing means simultaneously saying NO to something else. The full weight of my suffering is now clear and present as I approach ten years, in this, the 507th week.

In the past, I’ve come to many conclusions that ended up fading away as mere theories. When you are dedicated to being a sojourner, as embarrassing as it may sometimes seems, you learn to embrace moments of instability as well as stability. You will be doubtful today of something you were confident of yesterday.

Yeshua is alive and as such I’m always growing, changing and transforming. When, despite different environments and circumstances, things remain the same, one has to wonder if it is meant to change at all.

There’ve been at least two major milestones in the journey of my sexual identity. I ended my relationship with my last girlfriend in 2006 and in 2009, after fasting for 21 days on water and tea, my lesbian identity stopped being the identity I lived from, even though I hadn’t been having sex or entered any new relationships since 2006.

The two years after that was rocky as I became open to and began to explore what femininity and being a woman meant. The next phase as it pertains to my identity was understanding my personality. Being androgynous and artsy, I knew that stereotypes would hope to push me into a corner. They’d only be successful in doing that with my permission and they have not been yet given it.

2015 was spent removing the britches of religion that tied me to a world view which entrapped and manipulated me. One of the things that most strongly occurred to me was the fact that I’d spent quite a lot of time believing (or perhaps convincing myself) that I was or could be ‘healed’ of my attraction to women. To my own merit, or maybe because pride won’t let me blame myself entirely, I think it was a held view that I adapted my own personal opinion to.  To think otherwise would be to deny God’s power, no?

Now, I believe that in trying to prove God’s power to others, we do not embrace his love. His love has helped me through ten long years as I’ve come to know myself and him fairly well. After clearing away the fog of religion, I also now see my sexuality in a new light.

I wonder now, since these feelings remain, will God ever change them? How well would I be able to continue denying myself desires that have the potential to, as they did for many years, consume my identity in their expression?

These are the questions I face now. I’ve been writing a book about the inner thoughts of someone like myself. It may seem diabolical to many. I hope  that by being honest about my experiences and feelings, more people could understand what it is like to be attracted to and love your own gender naturally and deeply.

Mourning
I need to take time to mourn the past ten years. I need to mourn her. It has not been easy and who knows what the next ten will bring. I’ve never mourned her, but my writing allows me plenty reprieve, so I’ll do a bit of that now. Ten years…hmm, her brownness and mellow mood has melded into some long days and sleepless nights. I move between a strange sense of pride and an electric sensitivity from feeling my skin flush whenever she is near. Two hours in her presence used to mean two days of recuperation…intensity lessens when it is cooled in the waters of meditation and Yeshua’s peace. Ten years have gone by quickly and I realize that with the freedom I have now, there is ten years worth of a story that needs telling…the inside story.

© janberry. 15 january 2016. 3:26pm.

As always, stay tuned.

Lagniappe

Lagniappe

The thing about trusting God with your most intimate self, is that he will both build and destroy that self. God will tear down that which self-implodes and build new internal devices that switch on and tune in to his methods for ruling that intimate self towards wholeness and holiness. Giving my heart to God means I give him both the lovely and the unlovely. Everything can be used in his employ to show the willing their errors, either of omission or commission.

As I’ve spent a great deal of the past four to five months (actually I’ve lost track) in front of my computer working, you’d think God wouldn’t have anything to use to show me myself in the rearview mirror of my soul. Nope, wrong…turns out God is a mastermind at using whatever is available to him. So, the latest discovery is really just confirmation of something that’s been said to me, about me before. I’ve mulled it over prayerfully, painfully and with a purposeful attitude of either proving it wrong or right. As it turns out, I’m wrong. Here is the thing about growing in life – it’s a catch 22. You can’t grow unless you submit yourself to life but you’ll be put in situations where you can inflict as much hurt as will be inflicted on you. The growth comes in seeing yourself as wrong, even as you see the wrong of others. Even further growth comes by submitting what is shown to you about yourself back to the only one who can get you over yourself, God.

I’ve introduced my situation, now here it is. I was told I’d end up ‘alone’ if I did not stop repeating certain cycles. The real reason that conversation was happening had been glossed over to instead focus on my ‘soul cycles’. I could just take that and leave with it – which is what I did, but the other hurtful things that were said could hold me up in unforgiveness and help me harden my heart against truths that may have been uttered. I choose both for now. I won’t lie…I’m still having a hard time forgiving myself and those persons in that moment. I can however, choose to continue to lay my life down at God’s feet in the spirit of *David’s prayer regardless of how I feel about anything…wronged, hurt, sad, spiteful, whatever it is, I can continue to ask God, ‘Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life’ (Psalm 139:23-24).

‘You’ll end up alone..’. Be careful when you pray that prayer though, especially when you mean it. You may have to make choices…you may have to say, ‘God, okay, I believe you..help me. Thank you.’

*David, the shepherd-boy who became king as told in the Bible.

Photo Credit: http://blog.creativebug.com

DISP

DISP

DISP – Day 4

Desire
Identity
Sexuality
Personality

The vanguard of design
Determines desire
Identity
Sexuality

This was all decided before I existed
So I could only study it
And then study it’s redefinition
And how it impacts my definition of me
My identity
The bedrock of personality
Personality is inbuilt
Desire added
Identity claimed
And sexuality a product of none,
but decided, before me
Before my identity, personality and desire
The thought patterns that drive holy living
override the modus operandi of unholy living
Again, these are operated by the pre-set definitions
The true question is who determines these for you
And what is the outflow of adopting any one ‘set’…

– to be continued

17 aug 2015. © janberry

Image credit: http://www.qcrefugechurch.com/identity-youth/

Restless

Restless

Restless – Day 3

I wonder what children think of adults.
I face painted today
And ran out of black
But I found new possibilities
without it
Without a few colours in my pallette
I believe that I’ve been painted in to the crevices
And then I spread into the spaces..
I grow less scared of myself
I am powerful

16 aug 2015 © janberry

Volition

Volition – Day 2…

Psalm 62
I listen as I run
If you listen to it, you hear
desire
beginning in the center
‘For God alone my soul waits in silence’..it begins
I wait tuning out the sound and force of my feet
running
I wait
turning my thoughts
Turn them
Drive them as a car is driven
Can desire be forfeited?
Emotion upended?
‘For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence’…
Running
steadying my breath
ignoring my sweat
I can turn them
with the same volition
I use to motor my legs
my self
throwing my shoulders back
centered
as on my God alone,
running…my soul,
I wait..

© 15.Aug.2015 1:15pm