Androgyny pt 2 – Gentlemanly behaviour

Androgyny pt 2 – Gentlemanly behaviour

I want to open the door for you. I’m not trying to be a man – that’s not my motive at all. What I want is for you to walk on air. Doors shouldn’t stop you..just keep walking. Walking into who you are…walking into space – the spaces you own that only you can occupy. Instinctively, I want to facilitate you and this is why I open the door. I’m not trying to be a man. I’m trying to be my self – your champion, your enabler. You are worthy of being respected and having your value recognised. I value myself by being the entirety of who I am, to you. I’ll go first, and open the door for you…woman.

– janberry. 2jan2016 11:24pm

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Lagniappe

Lagniappe

The thing about trusting God with your most intimate self, is that he will both build and destroy that self. God will tear down that which self-implodes and build new internal devices that switch on and tune in to his methods for ruling that intimate self towards wholeness and holiness. Giving my heart to God means I give him both the lovely and the unlovely. Everything can be used in his employ to show the willing their errors, either of omission or commission.

As I’ve spent a great deal of the past four to five months (actually I’ve lost track) in front of my computer working, you’d think God wouldn’t have anything to use to show me myself in the rearview mirror of my soul. Nope, wrong…turns out God is a mastermind at using whatever is available to him. So, the latest discovery is really just confirmation of something that’s been said to me, about me before. I’ve mulled it over prayerfully, painfully and with a purposeful attitude of either proving it wrong or right. As it turns out, I’m wrong. Here is the thing about growing in life – it’s a catch 22. You can’t grow unless you submit yourself to life but you’ll be put in situations where you can inflict as much hurt as will be inflicted on you. The growth comes in seeing yourself as wrong, even as you see the wrong of others. Even further growth comes by submitting what is shown to you about yourself back to the only one who can get you over yourself, God.

I’ve introduced my situation, now here it is. I was told I’d end up ‘alone’ if I did not stop repeating certain cycles. The real reason that conversation was happening had been glossed over to instead focus on my ‘soul cycles’. I could just take that and leave with it – which is what I did, but the other hurtful things that were said could hold me up in unforgiveness and help me harden my heart against truths that may have been uttered. I choose both for now. I won’t lie…I’m still having a hard time forgiving myself and those persons in that moment. I can however, choose to continue to lay my life down at God’s feet in the spirit of *David’s prayer regardless of how I feel about anything…wronged, hurt, sad, spiteful, whatever it is, I can continue to ask God, ‘Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life’ (Psalm 139:23-24).

‘You’ll end up alone..’. Be careful when you pray that prayer though, especially when you mean it. You may have to make choices…you may have to say, ‘God, okay, I believe you..help me. Thank you.’

*David, the shepherd-boy who became king as told in the Bible.

Photo Credit: http://blog.creativebug.com

DISP

DISP

DISP – Day 4

Desire
Identity
Sexuality
Personality

The vanguard of design
Determines desire
Identity
Sexuality

This was all decided before I existed
So I could only study it
And then study it’s redefinition
And how it impacts my definition of me
My identity
The bedrock of personality
Personality is inbuilt
Desire added
Identity claimed
And sexuality a product of none,
but decided, before me
Before my identity, personality and desire
The thought patterns that drive holy living
override the modus operandi of unholy living
Again, these are operated by the pre-set definitions
The true question is who determines these for you
And what is the outflow of adopting any one ‘set’…

– to be continued

17 aug 2015. © janberry

Image credit: http://www.qcrefugechurch.com/identity-youth/

Restless

Restless

Restless – Day 3

I wonder what children think of adults.
I face painted today
And ran out of black
But I found new possibilities
without it
Without a few colours in my pallette
I believe that I’ve been painted in to the crevices
And then I spread into the spaces..
I grow less scared of myself
I am powerful

16 aug 2015 © janberry

Volition

Volition – Day 2…

Psalm 62
I listen as I run
If you listen to it, you hear
desire
beginning in the center
‘For God alone my soul waits in silence’..it begins
I wait tuning out the sound and force of my feet
running
I wait
turning my thoughts
Turn them
Drive them as a car is driven
Can desire be forfeited?
Emotion upended?
‘For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence’…
Running
steadying my breath
ignoring my sweat
I can turn them
with the same volition
I use to motor my legs
my self
throwing my shoulders back
centered
as on my God alone,
running…my soul,
I wait..

© 15.Aug.2015 1:15pm

Stars fall Aloud…Day 1

Stars fall Aloud…Day 1

As of last night, I have begun a marathon of poems with the intent of tracing a thought pattern to it’s origin..with a poem everyday …and so, it begins, Day 1…

Stars fall aloud

There are so many stars in the sky
Why do we only see them when night draws the curtain on light?
Are they meant to take our breath away
As slumber possesses it instead
My sensitivities are laid bear in this quiet
The breaking of the waves feels like the breaking of consciousness
I wanted company
Instead, the waters obliged me
Truth is..I’m chasing me
but trapped behind the facade of night
The flambeau that I use to peer forward has run amok
And is burning my hand and clothes and skin..
Some are recessed and some hang low
Some things are hidden, some things I know…
It’s an uncomfortable repose..
Left to swindle my tongue
Sing a right and I’ll write a wrong
I’m a danger zone
I’ve avoided as much as I can of the civility of nearness
My human instinct reduced to moments of need that come and then are made to flee
This is a breaking
Like these waves
What do you see at the shore
Mostly just the swell and the foam
Do you see the currents as they groan
Exchanging destinies for silence
Beneath the surface giving no promise
Make sense of this for me God
Bring the tensions that fight against themselves beneath this sea beneath this sky
Give them air to breath that isn’t lullaby
Don’t make them sleep there God
Give them air
Bring them up in a swell
And land them on me
Beached by my affections
My tenderness overturned
I’m hardened
But will wait

…to be continued

15.Aug.2015 10.36pm © janberry

 

The Misbehaving Strand

The Misbehaving Strand

The strands are unyielding…lonely vagabonds refusing to comply, always misbehaving. Why would anyone want these strands?

My hair was never the cooperative type. The strands are thin, but numerous. They don’t straighten out, choosing rather to curl in on themselves in tightly wound defiance. I’ve tried all my life to get them to behave, and still, no compliance. Why would anyone want these strands?

I started my first head of dreadlocks in 2005, and for 9 years, I regrew a head of dreadlocks three times – none of them complied – not like ‘good’ hair, that would matte then stay put when asked. No, my dreadlocks matted and yet , still strayed out of itself. Wild, thin, curly hair – a tangle of thickness.

So, you could imagine my surprise everytime someone says, “..but, you have ‘good’ hair!” I am as shocked as they are, because my hair does not behave. Does yours? I don’t understand this differentiation between good and bad hair though, because my good hair does bad things. I’ve tried many things to tame this ‘good’ hair, and like a wild horse, it just gets away from me.

I’m only now growing to understand my hair though. As a child, who only spent a few years with either of my parents, I don’t remember wondering about my hair and theirs  – it just never occurred to me until now that I’m older and people ask me about my hair. Of the few times, my mother did comb my hair, I ended up with two very loose and uncoordinated ponytails. I’m sure she knew then what I have only now come to realize over the years – my hair is ‘bad’ hair – it does not go quietly into the night. It rebels and breaks out of every noose it is put into.

In 2014, I cut my dreadlocks and decided not to grow another one. Since then, I’ve learnt a lot about my hair, and the more I learn about my hair, the more I understand it’s beauty and indifference. It’s the first time, I’ve really managed my own hair, whilst it was un-matted or untreated in any way, because before I grew dreadlocks, I just let it grow and played in it, twisting it in my fingers or cutting it low. I’ve never really tried to, you now, ‘comb it’…as I said, it’s ‘bad’ hair.

I wish we could all love our hair, as I love my ‘bad’ hair…Learn to love your hair, whether it’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’, because I don’t think you’d want my ‘good’ ‘bad’ hair. It doesn’t behave.