I never mourned her and I don’t know why am mourning her now. Since 2016 started or rather is it since 2015 ended, I’ve had multiple epiphanies and maybe this is the result of one of them. I’m approaching 10 years of celibacy in a few weeks. Funny…the milestone didn’t open the door to these thoughts. Rather, because of my thoughts lately, I realise that it’s been 10 years – 10 long years since I’ve consummated love or climaxed with anyone, well beside myself, on occasion.
And I never mourned her, I guess because it’s taken me some more end-of-year reflection to realise that I’ve been tucking away my suffering – confining it and boxing it in so that it doesn’t spill over into everything…everywhere. Ten years…and I’ve come full circle. I realise that of all the little issues surrounding my gender and sexuality that I’ve gotten reprieve from, my feelings toward women linger – unchanged after all of these years.
Ten years ago, I said yes to my friend and journey mate, Yeshua. I didn’t know then that I would be saying NO to myself. It makes sense though right, saying YES to one thing means simultaneously saying NO to something else. The full weight of my suffering is now clear and present as I approach ten years, in this, the 507th week.
In the past, I’ve come to many conclusions that ended up fading away as mere theories. When you are dedicated to being a sojourner, as embarrassing as it may sometimes seems, you learn to embrace moments of instability as well as stability. You will be doubtful today of something you were confident of yesterday.
Yeshua is alive and as such I’m always growing, changing and transforming. When, despite different environments and circumstances, things remain the same, one has to wonder if it is meant to change at all.
There’ve been at least two major milestones in the journey of my sexual identity. I ended my relationship with my last girlfriend in 2006 and in 2009, after fasting for 21 days on water and tea, my lesbian identity stopped being the identity I lived from, even though I hadn’t been having sex or entered any new relationships since 2006.
The two years after that was rocky as I became open to and began to explore what femininity and being a woman meant. The next phase as it pertains to my identity was understanding my personality. As an androgynous and artsy tomboy, I knew that stereotypes would hope to push me into a corner. They’d only be successful in doing that with my permission and they have not been yet given it.
2015 was spent removing the britches of religion that tied me to a world view which entrapped and manipulated me. One of the things that most strongly occurred to me was the fact that I’d spent quite a lot of time believing (or perhaps convincing myself) that I was or could be ‘healed’ of my attraction to women. To my own merit, or maybe because pride won’t let me blame myself entirely, I think it was a held view that I adapted my own personal opinion to. To think otherwise would be to deny God’s power, no?
Now, I believe that in trying to prove God’s power to others, we do not embrace his love. His love has helped me through ten long years as I’ve come to know myself and him fairly well. After clearing away the fog of religion, I also now see my sexuality in a new light.
I wonder now, since these feelings remain, will God ever change them? How well would I be able to continue denying myself desires that have the potential to, as they did for many years, consume my identity in their expression?
These are the questions I face now. I’ve been writing a book about the inner thoughts of someone like myself. It may seem diabolical to many. I hope that by being honest about my experiences and feelings, more people could understand what it is like to be attracted to and love your own gender naturally and deeply.
I need to take time to mourn the past ten years. I need to mourn her. It has not been easy and who knows what the next ten will bring. I’ve never mourned her, but my writing allows me plenty reprieve, so I’ll do a bit of that now. Ten years…hmm, her brownness and mellow mood has melded into some long days and sleepless nights. I move between a strange sense of pride and an electric sensitivity from feeling my skin flush whenever she is near. Two hours in her presence used to mean two days of recuperation…intensity lessens when it is cooled in the waters of meditation and Yeshua’s peace. Ten years have gone by quickly and I realize that with the freedom I have now, there is ten years worth of a story that needs telling…the inside story.
© janberry. 15 january 2016. 3:26pm.
As always, stay tuned.