The thing about trusting God with your most intimate self, is that he will both build and destroy that self. God will tear down that which self-implodes and build new internal devices that switch on and tune in to his methods for ruling that intimate self towards wholeness and holiness. Giving my heart to God means I give him both the lovely and the unlovely. Everything can be used in his employ to show the willing their errors, either of omission or commission.

As I’ve spent a great deal of the past four to five months (actually I’ve lost track) in front of my computer working, you’d think God wouldn’t have anything to use to show me myself in the rearview mirror of my soul. Nope, wrong…turns out God is a mastermind at using whatever is available to him. So, the latest discovery is really just confirmation of something that’s been said to me, about me before. I’ve mulled it over prayerfully, painfully and with a purposeful attitude of either proving it wrong or right. As it turns out, I’m wrong. Here is the thing about growing in life – it’s a catch 22. You can’t grow unless you submit yourself to life but you’ll be put in situations where you can inflict as much hurt as will be inflicted on you. The growth comes in seeing yourself as wrong, even as you see the wrong of others. Even further growth comes by submitting what is shown to you about yourself back to the only one who can get you over yourself, God.

I’ve introduced my situation, now here it is. I was told I’d end up ‘alone’ if I did not stop repeating certain cycles. The real reason that conversation was happening had been glossed over to instead focus on my ‘soul cycles’. I could just take that and leave with it – which is what I did, but the other hurtful things that were said could hold me up in unforgiveness and help me harden my heart against truths that may have been uttered. I choose both for now. I won’t lie…I’m still having a hard time forgiving myself and those persons in that moment. I can however, choose to continue to lay my life down at God’s feet in the spirit of *David’s prayer regardless of how I feel about anything…wronged, hurt, sad, spiteful, whatever it is, I can continue to ask God, ‘Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life’ (Psalm 139:23-24).

‘You’ll end up alone..’. Be careful when you pray that prayer though, especially when you mean it. You may have to make choices…you may have to say, ‘God, okay, I believe me. Thank you.’

*David, the shepherd-boy who became king as told in the Bible.

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