Ten days in retreat…a personal time of waiting. My pride, my desire to look good…my perfectionism…all glaring at me at the end of the time spent. As God pruned me his little grapevine branch, my scream of anguish unfurled – an overtly needy grasp onto familiar territory. But all is not lost, God uses that which is meant for my harm for my good instead. It was afterward looking at my action that I saw a pattern.
Is it that God is giving me an opportunity to yield my neediness under his constructive gaze rather than implode in my continuous loop of misdirected brokenness. I am more broken than I realize or rather we all are, more broken than we’d like to admit. I’m so glad I see this and am resolute to continue to be defined by his transformative power. God is able and I have access to an awesome power that is able to do in me what I could never do within myself.
I learnt something today. I learnt of a natural tendency I have that creates a cycle that painfully loops. A rejection cycle.
Here it is: I feel needy – I reach out in desperation for validation – I fail because I usually would seek validation in a manner and from a source that could never supply my need – Having failed, I would withdraw…retreat and this would deepen my need, taking me back to the beginning.
I desperately need rather to start to edit my thinking (which is the catalyst for our feelings…read Romans 12:2), and as the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV, ‘…demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and ..take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.’
I have practical help, praise God..in the form of written material..the book, ‘Biblical Counseling Keys on Rejection’ by June Hunt. A great resource that helps me to be disciplined and wise in confronting my hopeless rejection cycle.
More great biblical resources…I’m still reading the book, Unmet Needs by Charles Stanley, and I ordered a book by H. Norman Weight, ‘Real Solutions for Overcoming Discouragement, Rejection and the Blues’.