Painful Submission

You know, the one thing (provided relationship with the living God exists) that leads explicably to transformation (of mindsets, habits and behavioural patterns) is submission…(submission, sometimes after nights and weeks of writhing in emotional and physical pain grieving what I would lose if I give in to God at a step he wanted me to take).

Obedience and trust brought freedom..a partnership with God, but God’s spirit makes me both willing and able. His love and his faithfulness (ohhhh …..his being there..never giving up on me..always always there “oh what kind of love is THIS ” my spirit cries) stir within me a comfort that lets me know that he will NOT abandon me even when others have and my comfort in pushing forward increases because all may fail but God will not, and he has proven this..

I then choose to step out in faith, not knowing what will happen next..what will happen to me if I give you God the reins in this area where I have SOOO needed before to protect myself from further hurt…We protect ourselves from the pain caused..trying to box out the pain and then get caved in -the box then becomes our trap…and we start to detest even further any representations of our state of vulnerabilities or cause of pain…

I tend to have problems with children…my childhood made it difficult for me to now see children and react to them without the self loathing (not for them I realize) of this inability as children to defend against hurt and that stirs to anger, which I sometimes take out on them. The same is true of women, but God has been gracious in getting me to a place where I am comfortable with having female friends..I am not mistrusting…I can choose well who is a safe friend and I can open up in that beautiful feminine way where we are both nurturing and nurtured. Many pains are still there to be unravelled but one step at a time I walk more free with every turn of the key.

Hurt and disappointed time and time again by persons who should have been my shield against some of life’s realities, letting me grow against it in their cocoon before flying in self-determination into the chaos: into the destructive impact of humanity..I did all I could to run away from whatever looked like it could turn sour but just like a scale without healthy weights, you tip over in areas because where you thought you had an accurate weight, there was no substance within…so it caused underevaluation and subsequently maladjustment. In the two examples above (children and women)…the weights were rejection and a desire to protect..what felt like rejection from my mother became self-loathing of women and a desire to protect myself from the untouched hurts of my childhood became an animosity toward the vulnerability that a child inevitably possesses.

This is why truth is so important, it is our intervention. It truthfully removes our weights and feebly we realize we’re standing on a dream. The anchors in our minds were incorrect and so, easily then we could sink into a repose of depression when this first grazes us but this God also makes us capable by his gentle urgency, his faithful acknowledgment: “…my child I know it hurts but we’ve got to go through it to get through it…”

The inabilities of our parents were not caused by us..we can’t be any better to make them love us better…they must accept their own truths if they are to love, yes even us, who by the merit of being their children deserve it. Their choices either diminished us or bolstered us in strength and emotional vitality. And our choices will do the same for us, for our children and for those around us who we love and who love us.

Let us therefore choose to continue walking with the key to our freedom, who is Christ…he is willing to unlock everything that has been put on us or that we have put on ourselves..so every step we take is one towards freedom…Remember who has the key.

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