hope. alone.

hope. alone.

You know,
I have my speech prepared..
about my love and loyalty
and how much she will mean to me..
but frustratedly, the days of lonely
used to be more purposeful..

Maybe I’ll never have it all..
and these doubts are reminders
that I’ll never have it all..

Like being myself is not enough
and never was
a path to my one true love

I could hope..
hope.
alone.

– janberry. 21sep2017. 7:08pm.

Advertisements

Point of Return

Point of Return
Feels foolish, yea…and then you say, nothing tried, nothing gained. You can learn about yourself and others by venturing… adventuring.

If you don’t go bravely, you would remain naive, about your own reflection.

Be courageous, and you’d see your desire. You’d own it, and admit your needs. In that light, you can make a decision. Run or stay, but see it all in the light of truth. The fear of possibility is the same as the despair of impossibility. It all begins at the point of return.

– janberry. 30 aug 2017. 10.43pm.

[The point of return is the flash of fear when you decide to either run away or pursue a love interest..]

Madness and Passion

Madness and Passion

In 2012, my mother was diagnosed with sarcoma (cancer of the muscle). She went on her annual Buddhist retreat that year and bought gifts for my father, brother and sister-in-law. My gifts were a ‘faith’ keychain, a card saying ‘Never Never Never Give Up’ and a journal with a quote on the cover; “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.” 

I’ve been timid about writing in that journal but the quote on the cover is quite a meditation. I decided to do it, to go in the direction of my dreams…and to do it confidently…

Firstly, it required confidence…I didn’t know this feeling in its entirety before. It felt like all of a sudden I was cocky..it is a sort of bold, gritty feeling..a ruthlessness, an unwillingness to accept ‘No’ from myself but willing to see and follow any ‘Yes’ that was consistent with my dreams, simply because I can. Confidence says to you, “Yes, you can.” Yes, I can.

I had to believe that I was worth my dream…That was hard. I had to stop fearing my dreams…that was harder. And I had to be willing to go after MY dreams, not someone else’s dreams for me…THIS was the hardest because taking that step would cut me off emotionally from anyone who would rather manipulate me into their version of me than accept who I truly am.

At the beginning of the process, I had to surrender my time to diligently planning and building the consistency of getting one or more thing(s) done toward my dreams every single day.. I had to say ‘No’ to many things and I had to begin to work…really work at it..hard work too!

I’ve had to be fierce and unrelenting when I’d rather give up. At the times I’m most ready to give up, a change of perspective or approach or a poignant question of, “What am I learning about myself or this situation in this moment?” would move me forward.

I love to journal so I know my biggest fear about beginning to use this journal is that dream-making never ends but the journal will run out of pages eventually.

I am a work in progress, confidently charting my own course, fearlessly believing in my abilities and purpose. And figuring out that the things most worth it, most consistent with my life-work require me to ‘never never never give up…’
What are your dreams? Have you begun working on them?

growing pain

growing pain

Only now growing up socially…

worse things have happened.

failing forward. inertia dragging my emotions along.
age means nothing anymore,
and I have to accept that,
painful like teeth emerging.
Tooth fairy, spare me a dollar nah?
I’ll pay it back, just let me move forward painlessly.
harder on myself than anyone will ever be,
even still, the warrior way is not…painlessly.

– janberry. © 29 mar 2017. 12.16pm.

Moon of Old

Moon of Old

Sages sprinkle their white ash and hum in quiet

in quiet, they repose..

old songs run down their walls

like movements of sound

ringing out in the black

in the quiet.

through the metal bars,

she shine, she illuminate

through the hate, they illuminate

shamans of love

rush in and bow to the sky.

Your purity is more than me,

and more than I.

You are old,

older than me,

you’re all older than I.

You know things I cannot say.

Sages you wring the night dry,

washing your rhythms in time.

On your metered prose

I can only sing,

over you,

under you,

with you,

to you,

for you,

moon of old.

 

– janberry. © 16 mar 2017. 4.04am.

Far from finished

Far from finished

Far from Finished by Voice revealed our innately progressive nature, always yearning and stretching toward a better self. Trinbagonian optimism overrides our toughest circumstances, and Full Extreme from Ultimate Rejects captured this unflinchingly. The truest songs always resonate the most.

When 3 Canal’s, Blue, was first released, I was still cloistral; living aside from my queerness and love for women. In the video for Blue, I saw in the gyrations, a liberation and celebration that made me ask my teenaged self, ‘When will I ever be blue?’

I fought myself for 20 years and my self won. I am blue this year, blue with liberation, blue with celebration, blue with self knowledge, blue with empowerment, blue with gratitude…20 years later. How magical! Time is writing me an awesomely #blue story.

“So run tell Iwer George and Blaxx that they cyah take meh title..dis year, I’s meh only rival..” – Voice, Far From Finished

I am my only rival and I’m far from finished. – Janberry

Social? Media

A few days ago I closed all my social media – Facebook and then Instagram and lastly Twitter.

I found two things to be true for me:

Social media had become an extension of my pride..my ego..a need to control the narrative surrounding who I am…thereby making me feel good, feel proud.

I could succeed at social media but still fail at social interaction, and social interaction is something that I will always need to apply extra effort to. I’ve seen time and time again how social media and social interaction are not the same.

Growing up the way I did, it’s imperative that I get better at social interaction. It’s way too easy for me to revert to my comfort zone…being alone with a book or a paper and pen..and just not talk for weeks, months, years..

I came off social media so I could focus on actually increasing my social skills. That might be the height of irony.