In my green

I am extremely grateful for the growth I’ve experienced in the last few months. It has made me more courageous and also more resilient. Best of all, I have become clearer and clearer about my intentions and desires, shaped in knowledge of self.

Carnival is always a milestone for me, particularly J’ouvert. It is a time of expression which is rooted in identity. It is a time of re-birth, which is rooted in growth. It is a time of vibration, the essence of who we are as human beings. At this junction, I give space to allow the oscillation of my spirit to touch others and to be touched – even, in the literal sense, as people lather paint on my body on J’ouvert morning.

Disciplined practices of contemplation, meditation, deliberate rest and a balanced diet have been molding my body, soul and spirit – my character, my expression…ultimately, my identity in this life.It is my experience that in the periods that I have had the most expansion, the paint color in the J’ouvert has also been very symbolic for me. I’ve already written a post about blue in the year 2017 (janberryblog.wordpress.com/2017/02/26/far-from-finished). And now, green. Talk about vibration! Thank you 3 Canal. In the last 3-4 months, I’ve taken to using green hearts a lot. They mean for me, an outflow of natural love – the kind of unbridled showering of love that nature embodies. Love as a force in nature takes many forms, but it is consistent. It is consistently growing.

My writing lays the path that my heart is making and then my soul follows, and as it comes into being, it becomes clearer to me as well as to onlookers.

The book cover of Godcall is deeply meaningful and was a foretelling. I have finally reached the color that I was pressing toward. The black was the soil, the muck which we often think of as base. The black is the beginning – the root – the oil – and without it, we can go nowhere. A seed must be first planted there. This period was dark but beautiful. There was much crying, watering my seed with my own tears There was also much healing. The blue was transitional and liberating – attaining the environment the seed needed to become what it would become.

The green cumulus, as my tears accumulating into them as a mass of tiny droplets.. These clouds have the potential to bring either fair or dread weather. It depends on how they develop…the season..the environment.The pink mist is an unveiling – a sheathing of feminine energy, brought to the surface and removed. All that would remain is that which was mine to begin with, and had not been narrated over my life.

And now, I am at green…standing in my tall, dark beauty…my tall, dark queer beauty.So what is the outflow of all this personal philosophy – it just means, I am more me than I’ve ever been.

1) I fully transitioned my wardrobe to androgynous/male clothing.
2) I’ve been successful in explaining to my male admirers that no, it’s not just a wine or a this or that or whatever they think it is. It’s more like two hyper-masculine straight (non-gay) men rubbing up on each other. Dude, don’t touch me…and especially not like that.
3) But yes, I enjoy the company of effeminate men also because I’m drawn to feminine energy. I prefer female gender and genitalia..important for me to sustain a long-term relationship, but really, it’s feminine energy that I am drawn to. The more of it I feel from someone, the more I find them irresistible.
4) I am in my green. It has pulled my shoulder blades back and lifted my chin, giving me a swagger that comes from deep within.

It’s not easy being green. Kermit was right, but damn, it sure is a happy place!

Feminism and the demise of society

Feminism was the beginning of the demise of society. I mean among other things of course…when we started telling femininity that it should not display itself for masculinity..and to do so would be objectifying itself. Objectification is the dehumanization of a person – the same as seeing a whole woman as just a slick hole. But I do want my woman on display..and I speak for men too when I say, yes, we want you to flaunt it…Wear that lingerie, batty rider or thong..call it fattt and know it. When you overthink it without overstanding it, you deny yourself the intentions of the indulgence. The passion is robbed when you intellectualize desire..and douse the embers of what was meant to be a holy fire. In the context of a relationship, regardless of gender, there are two instincts..receiving and giving. This interplay unfolds in so many ways..but to definitively say that it only happens one way, is to misunderstand the energies present – masculine and feminine are never absent, even in the singular.

I want her…
I want her to want me wanting her.
I want her femininity.
I want her to want me.
I want her to want my masculinity..
I want her to understand her energy..
And thus, understand mine.
I want her..
Do you get it? This is all DIVINE.
– janberry. copyright 909am.13feb2020.
.
#poeticprose #poetryinprose #writing #writer #feminism #opinion #divinefeminine #divinemasculine #knowthyself #isaidit #unpopularopinion

Life and Oranges

I used to be terrible at peeling oranges. The skin would end up hacked off in a chop session and I’d have to eat my oranges with big gashes in them..a very messy affair. It’s not that he ever volunteered, because it seems he took pleasure in peeling my oranges for me, but one day I asked my father how he peeled oranges so perfectly. Reminiscing on his answer now, I feel like blasting through life is much like it. “Apply even pressure and slide the knife through the skin. Do not hack or saw off the skin…slide.”

Apply even pressure.
Discipline..persistence..

Do not hack. Do not saw. Slide.
Find your rhythm in life and gracefully move through it.
Do not hack or saw. Slide.

Well now that I can peel my own oranges, I feel like I’m also learning how to slide through life. I can hang my skin in my kitchen window sill with pride like the old people do..and I can sliiiide.

Spirit of the Dragonfly

The last thing to sell off is my face painting kit and as I sat thinking about it, something occurred to me. The spirit of the dragonfly…For 14 years I face painted at least 2-3 weekends every month. It was rough always being on the go but now I see how my work ethic and drive improved my character and life. . Metamorphosis is the key message of the dragonfly. They spend two years underwater in pupa stage feeding and breaking out of multiple exoskeletons. Then they emerge for a transformative process, where they break out of their very last shell and fly.

Everyday, for the last 3 weeks a dragonfly or two has come to me. I meditate with them and send them to and fro with messages. I accept them and the hope, change and love that they represent.

I am just so happy.

As I close in upon earthstrong 38, my wings are formed and I am happy.

I am happy with my life and where it is going. My wings are still strengthening but flight is near.

#dragonfly #dragonflyspiritguide #dragonflyenergy #metamorphosis #joy #love #change #prosperity

Focus

You know, it’s a funny thing that happened when I began truly loving myself. I was no longer as self-conscious. I stopped thinking about whether people will still like me if I did x or y. My mind became less occupied with pondering how I came across. . It freed me to be more ‘present’ when in the presence of others..able to see them, hear them…experience them so much more fully…it’s like I had a magnifying glass flipped sides.. . I enjoy the company if other people so much more than I used to…simply because I see more of them and less of myself. And in any event, you wont like me more or less than you might if I’m not present in your ‘presence’ so why be absent from such a precious gift…another beautiful human..

#selflove #beinginthenow #presence #personalgrowth #love

Growth is embarrassing

Think of losing your front tooth at age 6 or so, and having to go to school the next day with a big gap in your smile, with the other children laughing at you.

Your new and permanent tooth will replace it soon but in that moment, you either wish to stop going to school altogether or stop smiling.

Growth is embarrassing.

And if you want to grow, there’ll be times when you want to hide from the world because you are ‘under construction’. . I’ve been embarrassed so many times, I think my shame button is broken.

I’ve been particularly embarrassed by women as I learn and grow in my sexuality, as even that too evolves… learning who I am by figuring out who I am NOT.

Nobody wants to walk around grinning for people to see their tooth that fell out..but, I don’t see any other way to get a new tooth. Do you??!!