I deserve my desire

FeaturedI deserve my desire

It’s an age-old myth. Only ugly women love other women. Beautiful women love men.

I’m beautiful they say, and thus only a man should have me. I won’t spend time breaking down ‘beauty’ – this post is too short for that, but bear with me on one end of this supposed logic.

As I grow older, I’m confronted almost consistently by comments about finally finding the love I deserve, and as a lagniappe, they say, a man might do it better. Since I’ve not found a woman to do it well, a man surely would.

I’d just like to put it out into the universe that what someone deserves is likely very much akin to what they want. Deservedness is not another one of those finicky societal constructs. Even if one deserves (is worthy of) a thing, the elation in receiving it is inextricably linked to one’s desire for it, otherwise, the gift serves the giver only.

To simplify – it serves me no good to receive a man if I desire a woman. I have neither earned nor want this ‘merit’, if in fact, it is meant by those of pure intentions to say that I deserve good love. Another woman is as capable of giving me the love I deserve, as I am of receiving and returning it.

To be fair, this is the very origin of the word ‘deserve’ – to serve devotedly…a task for which I am enthusiastically capable and deserving…and just for clarity sake, of a woman.

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Love is..

Love is..

“Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

“What is love but acceptance of the other, whatever he is.” – Anaïs Nin

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” – C.S. Lewis

“Nothing is mysterious, no human relation. Except love.” – Susan Sontag

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.” – Shakespeare

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.” – Bertrand Russell

“What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.” – Paulo Coelho

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” – James Baldwin

“The more one judges, the less one loves.” – Honoré Balzac

“You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.” – E.M. Forster

“Love is the very difficult understanding that something other than yourself is real.” – Iris Murdoch

The Package

The Package

I wish I could send you an sos

On the entrails of the crickets

The pounding of the sea deadens the pounding of my heart

Drawing it like tea

Stirring it up

And settling it down

Like a locomotion driven off the track

Like a new feeling that can’t be put back

Into its stiffened box

Package returned to sender

Like a harried wound

Frenzied in fuss

And fear and lust

And…

Don’t say that word

It was a new feeling…

It was a new feeling…

It was a new feeling…

— janberry © 19aug2018 12.33am

(Photo credit: brickingtips.com)

I like me

I like me

This morning I registered for a global marketing summit, a value of $149US, for FREE. I’ll get to hear from International speakers – experienced and knowledgeable, and receive certification, for learning from these practitioners.

I got this because I asked. Simple, I asked for it. The power inherent in my heart and mind is able to vibrate forward in an unswerving motion. The intensity of my intentions can clear forests and move mountains. I’ve been forming a new foundation for my life based on faith – faith in myself. I am a creator, and things manifest out of that belief. I’m training my mind in a pattern of thought and my heart in a pattern of feeling that is fueling my life now in lopsided proportion. My opportunities are beginning to largely outweigh my resources.

If I had two pennies in the bank to rub together, it wouldn’t make me MORE equipped to produce success in my life. The reality is that it doesn’t make me LESS equipped either. My mental and emotional state produces that, and nothing else. Out of nothing, can come something. The question is, what do I believe, about myself? I do not look at my circumstances, I look at my thoughts and train that instead – my circumstances will follow.

I took time out of my life in 2017 and spent long days just thinking, planning, dreaming, meditating and speaking affirmations to my soul. I spent time healing my chakras, speaking with my ancestors and most importantly, speaking to my soul.

I came out of this liking my self 100% more than I did at the beginning. I’m still coming out in many ways – coming out of my own restraints and the ceilings I once placed above my own head.

Rebuilding my life would not have been possible had I not evaluated myself. The shame I see some people carrying about their authentic life journey is not the shame I want to carry – being ashamed of their growth and feeling lesser than because they are growing? Because your life doesn’t look like someone else’s? No, I am a work in progress and no-one but me gets to validate that. I hold my head very high knowing that I am doing what is right for ME.

In 2018, life has been testing all those new mental tracks I’m forming. Professionally, I’ve gained increased clarity on what I can offer to my clients and to the world. Sometimes the things you DON’T want re-inforce the things you DO want. Personally, I’ve gained a backbone, and learned the value of my emotional content as a human being. I’ve slowly unwound myself from negative emotions, and subsequently, people.

I like me, and I believe in me, and THAT is a currency. I’ve started to engage and position myself in ways I never would have before when my identity was obscured. Who I was had been hidden by who I’d been told I was.

I shake off all your boxes and I’m becoming very adamant about guarding the space my vibrations occupy.

I am bootstrapping my life toward my own version of success. I have no apologies to give. No fucks either.

Janessa, Janberry and JM™ to the world. I’m the one who’s excited to see it all continue to manifest. Bless your heart if you do, and bless your heart if you don’t.

– light, love and loose, honest tongues to ya!

She

She

She has lured me, with lust and with love.

Celebrated my ego with pomp and with pus.

In success, in failure, in pain and in pleasure

She

has been.

I’ve followed her, enthralled and listless,

unable to resist the seductress,

limply following her command,

and she has told me her dreams

and she has ripped my clothes to their seams

fondled my patience

and left it wanting,

and left me haunting

her.

She.

She’s enlisted my fears,

as torment.

She’s sung her hopes over me.

She’s caressed my temples with memories,

though forlorn,

her happiness has guided me

through many seasons of melancholy.

She.

I’ve wanted her,

and she’s run.

I’ve forgotten her,

and she’s come.

She’s laid against my soul,

in etchings and words,

that I’ve found in her world,

this lovely, lonely girl.

She.

– janberry © 10 Nov 2017. 3.13am.

 

Point of Return

Point of Return
Feels foolish, yea…and then you say, nothing tried, nothing gained. You can learn about yourself and others by venturing… adventuring.
If you don’t go bravely, you would remain naive, about your own reflection.
Be courageous, and you’d see your desire. You’d own it, and admit your needs. In that light, you can make a decision. Run or stay, but see it all in the light of truth. The fear of possibility is the same as the despair of impossibility. It all begins at the point of return.
– janberry. 30 aug 2017. 10.43pm.