I like me

I like me

This morning I registered for a global marketing summit, a value of $149US, for FREE. I’ll get to hear from International speakers – experienced and knowledgeable, and receive certification, for learning from these practitioners.

I got this because I asked. Simple, I asked for it. The power inherent in my heart and mind is able to vibrate forward in an unswerving motion. The intensity of my intentions can clear forests and move mountains. I’ve been forming a new foundation for my life based on faith – faith in myself. I am a creator, and things manifest out of that belief. I’m training my mind in a pattern of thought and my heart in a pattern of feeling that is fueling my life now in lopsided proportion. My opportunities are beginning to largely outweigh my resources.

If I had two pennies in the bank to rub together, it wouldn’t make me MORE equipped to produce success in my life. The reality is that it doesn’t make me LESS equipped either. My mental and emotional state produces that, and nothing else. Out of nothing, can come something. The question is, what do I believe, about myself? I do not look at my circumstances, I look at my thoughts and train that instead – my circumstances will follow.

I took time out of my life in 2017 and spent long days just thinking, planning, dreaming, meditating and speaking affirmations to my soul. I spent time healing my chakras, speaking with my ancestors and most importantly, speaking to my soul.

I came out of this liking my self 100% more than I did at the beginning. I’m still coming out in many ways – coming out of my own restraints and the ceilings I once placed above my own head.

Rebuilding my life would not have been possible had I not evaluated myself. The shame I see some people carrying about their authentic life journey is not the shame I want to carry – being ashamed of their growth and feeling lesser than because they are growing? Because your life doesn’t look like someone else’s? No, I am a work in progress and no-one but me gets to validate that. I hold my head very high knowing that I am doing what is right for ME.

In 2018, life has been testing all those new mental tracks I’m forming. Professionally, I’ve gained increased clarity on what I can offer to my clients and to the world. Sometimes the things you DON’T want re-inforce the things you DO want. Personally, I’ve gained a backbone, and learned the value of my emotional content as a human being. I’ve slowly unwound myself from negative emotions, and subsequently, people.

I like me, and I believe in me, and THAT is a currency. I’ve started to engage and position myself in ways I never would have before when my identity was obscured. Who I was had been hidden by who I’d been told I was.

I shake off all your boxes and I’m becoming very adamant about guarding the space my vibrations occupy.

I am bootstrapping my life toward my own version of success. I have no apologies to give. No fucks either.

Janessa, Janberry and JM™ to the world. I’m the one who’s excited to see it all continue to manifest. Bless your heart if you do, and bless your heart if you don’t.

– light, love and loose, honest tongues to ya!

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She

She

She has lured me, with lust and with love.

Celebrated my ego with pomp and with pus.

In success, in failure, in pain and in pleasure

She

has been.

I’ve followed her, enthralled and listless,

unable to resist the seductress,

limply following her command,

and she has told me her dreams

and she has ripped my clothes to their seams

fondled my patience

and left it wanting,

and left me haunting

her.

She.

She’s enlisted my fears,

as torment.

She’s sung her hopes over me.

She’s caressed my temples with memories,

though forlorn,

her happiness has guided me

through many seasons of melancholy.

She.

I’ve wanted her,

and she’s run.

I’ve forgotten her,

and she’s come.

She’s laid against my soul,

in etchings and words,

that I’ve found in her world,

this lovely, lonely girl.

She.

– janberry © 10 Nov 2017. 3.13am.

 

Point of Return

Point of Return
Feels foolish, yea…and then you say, nothing tried, nothing gained. You can learn about yourself and others by venturing… adventuring.
If you don’t go bravely, you would remain naive, about your own reflection.
Be courageous, and you’d see your desire. You’d own it, and admit your needs. In that light, you can make a decision. Run or stay, but see it all in the light of truth. The fear of possibility is the same as the despair of impossibility. It all begins at the point of return.
– janberry. 30 aug 2017. 10.43pm.

Madness and Passion

Madness and Passion

In 2012, my mother was diagnosed with sarcoma (cancer of the muscle). She went on her annual Buddhist retreat that year and bought gifts for my father, brother and sister-in-law. My gifts were a ‘faith’ keychain, a card saying ‘Never Never Never Give Up’ and a journal with a quote on the cover; “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”

I’ve been timid about writing in that journal but the quote on the cover is quite a meditation. I decided to do it, to go in the direction of my dreams…and to do it confidently…

Firstly, it required confidence…I didn’t know this feeling in its entirety before. It felt like all of a sudden I was cocky..it is a sort of bold, gritty feeling..a ruthlessness, an unwillingness to accept ‘No’ from myself but willing to see and follow any ‘Yes’ that was consistent with my dreams, simply because I can. Confidence says to you, “Yes, you can.” Yes, I can.

I had to believe that I was worth my dream…That was hard. I had to stop fearing my dreams…that was harder. And I had to be willing to go after MY dreams, not someone else’s dreams for me…THIS was the hardest because taking that step would cut me off emotionally from anyone who would rather manipulate me into their version of me than accept who I truly am.

At the beginning of the process, I had to surrender my time to diligently planning and building the consistency of getting one or more thing(s) done toward my dreams every single day.. I had to say ‘No’ to many things and I had to begin to work…really work at it..hard work too!

I’ve had to be fierce and unrelenting when I’d rather give up. At the times I’m most ready to give up, a change of perspective or approach or a poignant question of, “What am I learning about myself or this situation in this moment?” would move me forward.

I love to journal so I know my biggest fear about beginning to use this journal is that dream-making never ends but the journal will run out of pages eventually.

I am a work in progress, confidently charting my own course, fearlessly believing in my abilities and purpose. And figuring out that the things most worth it, most consistent with my life-work require me to ‘never never never give up…’
What are your dreams? Have you begun working on them?

growing pain

growing pain

Only now growing up socially…

worse things have happened.

failing forward. inertia dragging my emotions along.
age means nothing anymore,
and I have to accept that,
painful like teeth emerging.
Tooth fairy, spare me a dollar nah?
I’ll pay it back, just let me move forward painlessly.
harder on myself than anyone will ever be,
even still, the warrior way is not…painlessly.

– janberry. © 29 mar 2017. 12.16pm.

Moon of Old

Moon of Old

Sages sprinkle their white ash and hum in quiet

in quiet, they repose..

old songs run down their walls

like movements of sound

ringing out in the black

in the quiet.

through the metal bars,

she shine, she illuminate

through the hate, they illuminate

shamans of love

rush in and bow to the sky.

Your purity is more than me,

and more than I.

You are old,

older than me,

you’re all older than I.

You know things I cannot say.

Sages you wring the night dry,

washing your rhythms in time.

On your metered prose

I can only sing,

over you,

under you,

with you,

to you,

for you,

moon of old.

– janberry. © 16 mar 2017. 4.04am.